Something sweet for a bitter time.
Hello all. If you are interested in the delicious brownies above (which I hope you are, because they are FIRE), click the video below! If you are interested in my ramblings about the emotional numbness felt by educators everywhere, read on. Recipe at the bottom.
Last week I was talking on the phone to my mom, a retired teacher of thirty-some years, and I found myself falling back into what has become a familiar pattern this year: expressing the feelings of hopelessness, lack of direction, boredom, and numbness inherent with teaching this year. I have some phrases that pop up frequently in these conversations… “this year is about survival,” “it is what it is,” “this isn’t what any of us signed up for,” and the ever-present exchange of “how was your day?”, with the answer “the usual.” In this particular conversation, I found myself reaching past my general numbness and disconnection with my actual reality to grasp a feeling of desperation and said, “I really hope this is the hardest year of teaching I ever have.” Most teachers that I know went into this profession for a number of reasons, and none of them are that they really enjoy building online content, staring at screens, and trying to elicit responses from listless, silent, traumatized students. I get my energy from the energy of my students. I love how every day is different. I love helping them discover a love of music and learning, I love competing, I love interacting with them. And the ‘rona is really putting a cramp in the style of good teachers everywhere.
I’m also hyper-aware of the fact that I am lucky. I have a job. I have job security. I have my health, as do those people closest to me. So I struggle with the guilt that washes over me when I catch myself feeling sorry for myself professionally.
So. You know. Being a public educator or a student is really hard right now.
What to do when going through the motions of my job feels like an overwhelming task? Find a new school project that requires creative energy. Talk to a friend. Read a book. And bake something delicious.
To me, baking is the perfect escapist activity. It requires my concentration and attention, distracting me from the looming existential dread of the pandemic. I enjoy the creative process. It creates an actual physical product, something to be proud of, which helps to counteract the feeling of pointlessness that I occasionally succumb to when all of my work happens in the wasteland of digital content. It also gives me a reason to blog, which makes me feel like I’m making connections with people beyond my quarantine bubble. Hello, out there. Can you still hear me? We’re all still here. And that’s what’s important right now.
One of my most recent professional wins has been the (forced) acquisition of new audio and video editing skills, and I have decided that a fun project will be the creation of those nifty videos where they make the food really fast…. I occasionally fall into a black hole on youtube watching those tasty videos, so I might as well feed the obsession and make my own! Let me know what you think of my first attempt above!
Warning: this recipe is really rich. Every time my man-friend watched the video when helping me edit he would remark “that’s…. a lot of sugar,” while watching my hands dump in a ridiculous amount of that delicious and cavity-creating substance. His raised eyebrows and faintly appalled tone suggested that this sugar was enough sweetness to burn out the tastebuds for the rest of the week. It’s true. It’s a lot of sugar. But the world is a bitter place right now, and we might need a lot of sugar to balance that out.
I used chunky peanut butter in this recipe, but feel free to use creamy if that’s your jam. It doesn’t really matter how much you use. I added way more than it looks like in the video…. a little off-camera magic followed by some spoon-licking.
I have never mastered the art of “marbling,” and I wish I would’ve swirled the brownies together more…. but hey. It’s peanut butter cheesecake. It’ll taste good no matter how much you swirl it.
I hope you are all safe and healthy. I hope 2021 helps to bring a little more joy into the world. I hope making these brownies helps someone stave off the existential dread for one more day.
Peanut Butter Cheesecake Brownies
Brownie Mix:
- 1/3 cup cocoa powder
- 2 t espresso powder (optional)
- 2 oz chopped bittersweet chocolate (or chips)
- 1/2 cup boiling water
- 1/2 cup canola or vegetable oil
- 4T melted butter
- 2 whole eggs
- 2 egg yolks
- 2 t (ish) vanilla
- 2 1/4 cups sugar
- 1 t salt
- 1 3/4 C all-purpose flour
- 1 cup peanut butter chips
- 1 cup peanut butter cups
Cheesecake Mix:
- 8 oz cream cheese, room temp
- 1 C sour cream
- 1 C peanut butter
- 1/3 C sugar
- 1 t salt
- 2 T all-purpose flour
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and prepare a nine-by-thirteen pan using the method of your choice. (See video above for info on my favorite method, which gets the brownies out in one clean block!)
Combine the cocoa powder, espresso powder, chocolate chips, and boiling water in a large bowl. Whisk until smooth. Add the oil and butter, whisk until combined. It may look broken at this point, just keep going. Add the eggs, yolks, and vanilla, whisk again. Add the sugar, salt, whisk a little. Add the flour and gently fold until combined, being careful not to overmix. Fold in the peanut butter chips and set aside.
In a stand mixer or using a hand mixer, combine the cream cheese and sour cream until fluffy. Add the sugar, salt, peanut butter and mix until smooth. Add the flour and mix until just combined. Feel free to add more peanut butter to taste!
Layer half of your brownie batter in your pan, smoothing to the edges. Top with the cheesecake mixture and smooth again. Microwave the remaining brownie batter 30-45 seconds to make it spreadable, and layer it on the top. Use a knife to swirl together, top with chopped peanut butter cups, and bake for 45-50 minutes or until an inserted toothpick comes out clean. Remove from the baking dish and allow to cool at least thirty minutes. Cut into bars, pour some milk, deliver some to a friend or loved one, and go to town on the chocolatey goodness.
